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November 29, 2005

Audio-Animatronic

This is just sooo cool. Lucky the Audio-Animatronic dinosaur is loose in Disney's California Adventure. I want one. But I want one that is five times the size.
Check out the videos of lucky below:
Clip # 1 Lucky walking and growling.
Clip # 2 Lucky being shown a flying pterodactyl (a helicopter)
Clip # 3 Lucky being introduced to a young fan
Clip # 4 Lucky don't eat it balloons as they give you wind!

You can read the full story at Mouse Planet

Posted by Markiss at 6:18 PM | Comments (0)

Christmas Ideas

If you're anything like me at Christmas you will probably spend ages thinking about what to buy your family and friends. It takes me ages and I find it quite stressful sometimes too. So since I have done all my shopping this year already, I thought I would lend a hand to those of you who haven't done it yet.
I will put up some ideas here from time to time. I hope you find it helpful.
So the first idea is the Butthole Bear. Yup, you heard right. It's a cuddly teddy bear with a Butthole. But not only has it got a Butthole, if you shove your finger up his butt he will fart and say stuff like "Oooh, that feels good".
Happy shopping. Now go and put your order in for one. There's only a Limited Quantity! You know you want one.

Posted by Markiss at 2:18 PM | Comments (0)

November 28, 2005

Alan

Well there goes another weekend and what a laugh it was. Friday night was hilarious.
I promised Alan I would give him a mention on my site because he was such a Pisshead star.
We were all getting quite merry, as we do, generally acting stupid and the pub was coming to a close.
What normally happens then is I say "party at my house" or we just go on our way back to our homes.
Well this Friday night was a typical one and I was up for a party.
Donna decided she would buy a load of beers to take out.
Alan being the gentleman that he is (not) said he would carry them for her.
Now this is the funny part. I know this is really one of those "you should have been there" but what the hell, I laughed my arse off.
Alan decided, since it was late at night and pitch black, that he would put on his sunglasses!
Problem is that the car park has had loads of work done to it and has changed in design quite a lot.
So what does Alan do? He starts running as fast as he can and trips over a curb (which never used to be there) and he flies a mile.
He doesn't seem to hurt himself at the time and just lays there laughing.
The worst part was that he was holding the beers and he managed to explode 4 of them!
So you can picture us walking to my house, 4 of us were frantically trying to drink the beers before they ran out and Alan limping up the road singing a carpenters song at full volume.
What a Legend :-) He is still limping today and his leg has a massive bruise on it. Just a nice reminder of a good weekend I suppose.
Nice one Alan, thanks for the entertainment mate.
Oh and another Alan pissed moment this weekend was:
I was having Sunday roast at mine for lunch yesterday. So we all met in the local and had a few too many and decided since it was 3pm we should go back and eat. We get back and Alan tries to open my kitchen door but can't find the handle. (As if he hasn't opened that door many times before!) So he finds the next similar thing to a handle on my door and pulls it.
He grabbed my coat hook and ripped the thing right off the fekken door!
He said don't worry I will fix it, so he shoved it back in the door and said there you are, job done and goes into my lounge.
I put my jacket on the hook and what happens? Yup, it falls off. Don't give up your day job mate!

Posted by Markiss at 4:54 PM | Comments (7)

November 25, 2005

Lucky Dude

Fuck me, I bet this dude is glad that tree was in the way. He would have been totally wasted if not! Talk about being lucky.

Posted by Markiss at 5:05 PM | Comments (0)

Queens of Death

Since it's Friday again I thought I would piss you all off with another (Let's get your brain into gear) game. I haven't managed it yet but I'm sure one of you will manage it before I do.
Place 8 queens on this chess board but make sure they aren't placed in the line of attack from another queen. Think it's impossible? Well apparently it isn't!

Posted by Markiss at 2:59 PM | Comments (7)

November 23, 2005

Nasty Parents

Surfing the web as I do, I came across this page. Now I wouldn't bother reading the whole article as you may find it a little boring. Instead just look at her name. God she must have had some stick when she was growing up.

Posted by Markiss at 6:30 PM | Comments (5)

November 22, 2005

Christmas Shopping

Yes, it is coming up on us fast. Every year I dread Christmas. All the preparations that go with it. Organising cards, presents, Christmas lunch, nibbles and booze etc etc.
Well I have just received an email from Amazon confirming that I did all my Christmas shopping on-line last night :-)
Yup, you heard right, I did all of my present shopping on Amazon last night.
The best thing is that I don't need to shop for Christmas lunch this year either, 'cos I have decided to go to France and hide. Can't wait.
I can just picture it now. Lovely little french restaurant (already booked) a plate of venison and a glass of Calvados by the fire.
I will however be back in time for the New Years eve party. Nothing sorted out for that yet but will be sussing something out soon. Probably be down the Mary's for most of it.

Posted by Markiss at 5:04 PM | Comments (6)

November 18, 2005

Alphabet Typing

One of my readers sent this in to me to put on my site. It's not really a game but more of a competition to see who can type the Alphabet in the quickest time.
Now, can any of you beat my time of 6.321? I hope so, because I think I am crap at typing. As usual leave your scores in the comments.

Posted by Markiss at 2:44 PM | Comments (30)

His and Her Dairies

This may seem a little lame but I received it in an email and it brought a smile to my face, so I thought I would share it:

HER DIARY

Wednesday 24th August 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

HIS DIARY

Wednesday 24th August 2005

Everton lost to Villarreal. Gutted. Got a shag though.

Posted by Markiss at 12:41 PM | Comments (0)

November 16, 2005

Nice Mates

First of all, you have got to look at this picture.

Seems pretty normal right?

Now read on:

In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night, which usually lasts all day and all night rather than the typical British stag night where you all arrange it beforehand go out get drunk and hire a stripper.

The Swedes do it different. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed. He might be dressed up in something crazy... and go do something funny...and then the fun starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60-foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day...

Much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing... nasty happened to him at all...

In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club... they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden....

Imagine the groom’s horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him and then to notice that best mate number one had no pubic hair ...

Neither did friend two ...
Nor three ...
Or four...

Now check out the false beard again...........

Posted by Markiss at 4:41 PM | Comments (4)

Great Plumbing

I think I have finally found a solution to the leaking urinals in St Mary's Pub.
In fact it would solve a lot of drainage problems I come across in my line of work. Just don't think my clients would go along with it.
What do you reckon of the self draining urinal?

Posted by Markiss at 3:29 PM | Comments (1)

November 15, 2005

Food & Drink

I haven't put up a recipe for ages on this site. So I thought it was about time. I hope you like it.

New Born Golden Retriever Bourguignon
Yield: 4 servings

5 medium onions sliced
2 ts shortening
1 Ts salt
1/2 Ts crushed thyme
1 1/2 tb flour
1 1/2 c red burgundy
1/2 lb fresh mushrooms
1 new born golden retriever (ready to eat)
1/2 Ts crushed marjoram
1/8 Ts pepper
3/4 c beef stock

Cook and stir onions and mushrooms in hot shortening until onions are tender, drain on paper towels.

Brown meat in same skillet, add more shortening as necessary. Remove from heat. Sprinkle seasonings over the retriever. Mix flour and retriever stock, pour into skillet. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil 1 minute. Stir in burgundy. Cover, simmer until retriever is tender, 1 1/2 to 2 hours.

The liquid should always just cover the meat. (If necessary, add a little more bouillon and burgundy - 1 part bouillon to 2 parts burgundy.) Gently stir in onions and mushrooms, cook uncovered 15 minutes, or until heated through.

If you find it hard to get any of the above ingredients, then you can always get them here

Oh and of course you will need to have a nice big drink to swirl all of that down. What about one of these? Wish they served those at my local!

Posted by Markiss at 5:54 PM | Comments (0)

November 11, 2005

Click Drag Type

Friday at last. I can feel a session coming on.
Anyway as I said yesterday, here is the brain teaser/puzzle that I promised you. It shouldn't take you too long but does get the brain into gear for a bit.

Posted by Markiss at 3:41 PM | Comments (9)

November 10, 2005

Flying Poofs

I just had to put this up. I haven't got a clue what it's all about but I kinda found it funny. Some guys have taken a video of themselves jumping up and down then cut out the frames of them with their legs on the ground. So it makes for some funny viewing. Watch Poop Today.
Oh and I have got another good brain teaser for you guys tomorrow. Shouldn't be too difficult as I managed to do it in under 5 minutes!

Posted by Markiss at 4:36 PM | Comments (3)

November 9, 2005

Cow Tipping

Ever wondered what it is like to go cow tipping? Come on, I bet some of you have done. You know what it's like. You leave the pub at closing time, stumble down the country lanes not knowing what to do next and you come across a field full of cows. You heard that someone at the pub went cow tipping the other day and apparently it was excellent fun. Well next time you hear that person telling you that they have been cow tipping and that they tipped 23 cows in 10 minutes, you can call them a lying bastard. You know why? Because it's just been proven that you can't do it by yourself. In fact you will need 4-5 of you to tip a cow. The other problem is that cows actually sleep lying down, so you will have to wake the girls up before tipping them over.

The following was taken from The Times Online

Margo Lillie, a doctor of zoology at the University of British Columbia, and her student Tracy Boechler have conducted a study on the physics of cow-tipping.

A cow of 1.45 metres in height pushed at an angle of 23.4 degrees relative to the ground would require 2,910 Newtons of force, equivalent to 4.43 people.

You can read the full article here. It's quite interesting. Now to work out the amount of Newtons it will take to tip a Jersey cow, being that they aren't as big as 1.45 metres!

Posted by Markiss at 3:55 PM | Comments (5)

November 1, 2005

Budget 2006

The Jersey Budget for 2006 has just been revealed. I love this time of year, it's the time of year I find out how much I am going to be less well off by.
So what do we have to look forward to this year.
A packet of 20 cigarettes will go up by 11 pence, spirits up 29 pence, wine will cost 3 pence more and beer and petrol will go up by a penny.
Great since I smoke, drink Gin, drink red and white wine, drink beer and I drive too (not all at the same time).
Also the breweries decide to normally put their own prices up a few weeks after the budget too. Probably by about 5 pence a pint on top of the budgets 1 pence per pint.
So which one do I give up?
Shall I start walking to work? Nah!
Shall I stop drinking? Nah!
Shall I stop smoking? One day I wish I could but at the moment, Nah!
Looks like I'm out of pocket again. Maybe staying in a couple more nights a week will be on the cards. At least the beer is cheaper in the shops. Looks like Markiss de ste Marie Inn is going to be open for business soon :-)

Posted by Markiss at 3:46 PM | Comments (0)

Butch Grunting

Despite me trying to keep a low profile this weekend and trying to sort my head out, I still managed to drink a bit too much and get into some mischief. Nothing out of the ordinary for me really, mind!
But one funny incident that a mate of mine said I wouldn't have the guts to put on my site was something that happened in the early hours of Saturday morning. Basically it was quite gay! I had a few mates round, for a few after the pub drinks, most of them either left or crashed out which just left me and Alan having a heart to heart as one does at that time in the morning.
Well to cut a short story even shorter, we were getting tired so I said I would give him a blanket. He fell asleep and then unkown to me I did too. Unfortunately I used his shins as my pillow. Well after being asleep for a bit, I was obviously having a dream about something and the next thing I knew I had put my hand in between his knees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus, you haven't seen two grown men jump up so fast in your life. We both jumped up and did our butch grunting and then went our own way. In other words he crashed out again and I went to my room. I rang him the next morning to remind him what had happened and he had totally forgotten about it. Wish I hadn't reminded him now because by the time I got down the pub later that night, all of St Mary's knew about it and we certainly got a good taking the piss out of. It was all funny in the end and we had a good laugh about it.
I'm sure you lot have done some strange things in your sleep too and I'm not the only one.
Roll on next weekend.

Posted by Markiss at 11:23 AM | Comments (9)