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November 28, 2003
SPAM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mood:Well it's Friday, so good ofcourse :-)Listening to:Strutter............ That's KISS for a change
Blog:SPAM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell is going on with this spam thing? It has really been giving me a headache recently. I even had to check my work emails when I was on Holiday, so I could delete all of the spam, just so when I came back to the office I didn't have 1000 emails to sort through. Well in the end I was seriously thinking about changing my email address. But that wouldn't get me anywhere as I would have to let everyone know and that would have been a nightmare. Also it still wouldn't have solved the spam bit. All you have to do is sign a guestbook or as you can see on my site, I have my email address here too!
So what have I done to get over this war on spam? I decided to upgrade my email client to the latest version. I use Eudora and have just upgraded from 5.2 to 6.0.1.1. I have been using it for a week now and all I can say so far, is that it is xlnt!
It has added a little gismo called SpamWatch!.
It basically looks at the emails and gives them a score of 1-100. Closer to the 100 mark is spam. I haven't had one spam email since getting it. The software just puts it all into a junk folder for me. I can still take a look in there to see if one of them is a real email for me though :-)
I would definitely get a copy for yourself, if you are having problems with Spam. So go on, be a devil and dowload it. You know you want to. Well that's all for now. Happy spam free emailing.
Posted by Markiss at 2:07 PM | Comments (0)
November 26, 2003
The dullest blog in the world
Well I said I would blog later today, so here it is.I was starting to think that my blogs were getting boring up until I stumbled across this website. It's been written by "Dull".
The strange thing is that he writes things like "I became aware that my spectacles were not sitting quite correctly on my nose. Using my hand I moved them slightly, thereby making them feel more comfortable. This adjustment completed I continued with my activities." And then he gets 54 comments about it!
Xlnt site, I reckon. Click the link below and take a visit. Who ever said blogs should be interesting? Keep up the good work Dull.
Posted by Markiss at 3:20 PM | Comments (0)
SPAUG Home Page
Well I haven't been here for a while. Sorry! But have been far too busy with work. Am on a deadline again! Also at the end of our thrift club. So reasonably busy with that too. This blog was really for my own good. I wanted to bookmark this site, as I am a member of it. Not very interesting if you aren't an avid user of Autocad, I suppose. Well it's getting late now, so i'm off to bed. Hopefully more blogs later today :-) SPAUG Home PagePosted by Markiss at 2:50 AM | Comments (0)
November 21, 2003
Printed Word Quiz
Just finished doing a quiz for The Printed Word Bookshop. See how good your knowledge is by following the link and maybe you could win a couple of books while you're at it! Quiz Oh! and remember me if you do win. In other words I want one of the books :-)Posted by Markiss at 4:03 PM | Comments (0)
November 20, 2003
Christmas Shopping
So....... Is there anyone else here, who gets as stressed as me when it comes to Christmas shopping? I can't stand the crowds in town for one thing. The other worst bit is trying to 'sus out what the fuck to get everyone! I just haven't got a clue! I thought it might be a bit easier on the Internet. At least I can do all the shopping from the comfort of my own house but after surfing for a couple of hours last night, I only found one thing that I could buy someone. (a bit vague on that, I know, but they might read this!) I went through all the motions of purchasing that item and then when I finally finished filling in the forms with addresses and visa numbers etc, I pressed submit. Then the bastards told me they didn't ship to Jersey! Why bloody not? Is my money different to yours in the U.K? No, it's Sterling! I don't care if I have to pay extra for shipping and tell you the truth I don't care about paying the v.a.t this time of year either. So can someone please show me some websites that do deliver to Jersey. I'm not interested in Amazon or eBay but any others would be much appreciated. Ideas on gifts for people would help too, if you have got some. There must be a site out there somewhere which has ideas for Christmas gifts. Maybe I should start one but it would take me 20 years to think of some!Posted by Markiss at 3:14 PM | Comments (0)
November 19, 2003
comments system
I forgot to mention, that this is where I got my comments script from. Blogger Forum - DownloadsPosted by Markiss at 4:36 PM | Comments (0)
Testing 1 2 3
Mood:FineListening to:Jeff Buckley
Blog:Just testing a comments system today. Will it work? Well there is only one way to find out, isn't there?
Posted by Markiss at 3:05 PM | Comments (0)
Jeff Buckley
Well, today I seem to be pretty well back into the swing of things. Probably due to the fact that I have bought a new album and it is soooo GOOD. This is the first album I have bought in the last 2 years that actually makes me think it was well worth the money I spent on it. I would have spent 5 times the amount no questions asked. The album I am talking about is Called "Grace" by a guy called Jeff Buckley. It was my brother who got me into him. I have got albums from his Father called Tim Buckley but Jeff was definitely put on this earth for my taste of music. You have just gotta go out there and buy this album. You wont be disappointed, I promise. The only problem is that you will end up loving it and wanting more from him..... Waiting for his next release for ages. Then you will start to look on the Internet to find out more about him and then realise that he is, unfortunately, DEAD! What a waste of pure talent! You will then also find out that, his even more famous father, is also DEAD. They both died at a young age. Tim died from an overdose on Heroin and Jeff died by Drowning. The last time Jeff was seen alive he was swimming on his back, fully clothed, singing. Well if you do want to find out more on these guys then here you will find the Official sites:Jeff Buckley :: home
Tim Buckley :: home
Go on! Treat yourself and buy Grace. Let me know what you think of it if you do.
Posted by Markiss at 2:11 PM | Comments (0)
November 18, 2003
View from Hotel
Well I finally managed to resize the photo. Well here is are view from the apartment for you! This is what we had for 14 days. Lovely isn't it?
Nice huh? If you want the address of the apartment I can give it to you if you like ;-)
Posted by Markiss at 1:08 AM | Comments (0)
November 17, 2003
Back from Holiday
Mood:O.K I supposeListening to:I.N.X.S / Need you tonight
Blog:Well...... here I am, back at work after two weeks on Holiday in the sun! Always feels a bit weird getting back into work after not doing anything for two weeks. Slowly sussing it out though!
I went to Tenerife, if anyone is bothered :-) Was really nice and hot over there. 29°C ! Don't think I will go back in a hurry though. I like to sample the local food and way of life when I go abroad and it was pretty difficult to find it over there. The local food consisted of :
Breakfast- Bacon and Eggs
Lunch-Burger and Chips
Dinner-Fish and Chips, Chinese, Pizza or Indian. Oh yes and we had Roast Beef and Yorkshire puds for Sunday lunch too!
Couldn't believe how English it all was. Did do a few interesting bits though. Went whale watching which was good, saw a load of Pilot whales. Also went up to Mount Teide which, believe it or not, is the highest mountain in Spain. The air was very thin up there, so had to light up a fag just to help me breathe a little better. Worked a treat. They also filmed some of the original Star Wars film there. So they tell me anyway. I took a few photo's, so I will watch the film this week to see if they were pulling my leg or not :-)
Took some photo's of the view from our apartment, which I will put on here when I get back home. I'm sure you will love the view. I think they were building about 5 Hotels all at once just below our balcony.
Apart from the negative bits about the holiday, it was still good to get away and just do nothing for the two weeks. Roll on next November now! Maybe do the Caribbean or Mexico and try one of those "All inclusive" deals.
Anyway, bye for now and keep an eye out for my lovely view from the apartment!
Posted by Markiss at 3:58 PM | Comments (0)
November 13, 2003
Nearly No Blog Today
Mood: Not three badListening to: Groove Rider - Protoype Years
Blog: You nearly didn't get one today, thanks to blogger deciding to "maintin" their service meaning I couldn't get in. So to make up for the delay here are not one but TWO jokes:
7 Dwarves in Rome
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
Religous Etiquette
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!"
The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."
The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught."
The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish".
And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"
Posted by Markiss at 2:08 PM | Comments (0)
November 12, 2003
Titanic
Mood: WibbleListening to: Shania Twain (ugh)
Blog: I quite like this one!
The Titanic, on her maiden voyage, just set sail from the shores of England. It was the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody is very excited. No expense has been spared - the vast dining rooms, casinos, hundreds of neatly groomed waiters and polite service staff, string quartets, the works.
Every night at the bar, they had this magician come on and perform the most wonderfully amazing tricks of conjury the world had ever seen. It's the first night of the voyage, and everyone is eager to see this great man at work, except there was one slight problem. There was this parrot, who'd sit on the bar top by the peanuts, and ruin each trick as the magician performed them. Each time, the parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed, and say things like, "Squark! It's up his sleeve!" or "Sqeeek! He's hidden it in the hat!" etc., and ruin the trick for the magician.
Every time, the parrot would do this, and the magician would get madder and madder as the night wore on.
The same happened on the next night, and the one after that. The magician would shake with fury at this silly parrot ruining his world famous show. He spent his days devising even better and more stupendously amazing tricks in an effort to fool this bloody parrot.
One night, the magician is about to perform his greatest trick of the voyage. The lights are dimmed, a hushed silence sweeps across the bar floor, a drum roll builds up to a mighty crescendo as the magician performs his final piece de resistance....and suddenly the ship hits an iceberg and sinks...
For three days, the magician manages to cling to a door floating around in the wreckage, starving, thirsty. On the third day, he notices at the other end of the door, the parrot, sitting calmly and quietly, staring back at him. For three more days the magician just glowers at him, not saying a word - bitter, hushed, resentful, silence.
...Until one day, the parrot can't contain himself any longer and squarks, "Alright! I give up! What have you done with the ship?!"
Posted by Markiss at 1:03 PM | Comments (0)
November 11, 2003
French fighter pilot
Mood: IckyListening to: Something by KulaShaker
Blog: Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames.
Posted by Markiss at 5:14 PM | Comments (0)
November 10, 2003
Icy Jokes
Mood:Bleeding FineListening to:Nowt
Blog:Like the jokes Icy...... And yes, not long to go until you can have a long earned rest. Hope everyones not working too hard, now :-) I must say that I have been today. Going through all the email that has been sent to work for the last 10 days. 95% of it junk mail ofcourse! Finally sorted it out now. Thinking about changing the email address. Hope all is well with everyone. Speak to you on Friday. Bye for now.
Markiss :-)
Posted by Markiss at 4:42 PM | Comments (0)
Grumpy Old Couple
Mood: HystericalListening to: Chungking - Making Music
Blog: WhooHoo,
Another week, another 5 day sprint to friday... and only 5 more days (or maybe four) of having to find jokes for this page ... I dunno, maybe I'm just too picky. Bu, without further ado, I present Monday's lame effort:
Grumpy Old Couple - Part Two
On the day of their 50th wedding anniversary, the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on.
She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."
Posted by Markiss at 10:29 AM | Comments (0)
November 7, 2003
I AM BUSY OK!!!
Mood:Its friday - thank god for that!Listening to:Return to Patagonia, Lemon Jelly
Blog:Yeah, ok so I missed yesterday's joke. I'M BUSY OK!!!
But this one's quite funny and I promise to make it up next week:
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
Posted by Markiss at 1:26 PM | Comments (0)
November 5, 2003
Old Couple
Mood: SleepyListening to: Alison Krauss & Union Station
Blog: Old Couple
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny giggled, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
Posted by Markiss at 10:25 AM | Comments (0)
November 4, 2003
Thanks Robert
Mood:XLNTListening to:Nothing
Blog: Firstly, I wanted to say thanks very much to Robert for continuing my blogs/jokes whilst I haven't been here. You are a star mate!
Secondly please do excuse me if this post doesn't quite come out normal, it's because of this stupid keyboard that I don't understand.
Hope all is well with everyone and not working too hard. I am certaintly not :-)
Just had a bit of a lie down today and went for a swim. Bit of a headache from far too much beer last night :-)
Best go now as my money is running out. Will be back later this week sometime.
All the best everyone.
Markiss
xxxxxxx
Posted by Markiss at 4:46 PM | Comments (0)
Alligator
Mood: Better than yesterdayListening to: Sub Circus
Blog: A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone 100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Posted by Markiss at 10:35 AM | Comments (0)
November 3, 2003
Heroic statues
Mood:AwfulListening to:the gentle hum of the air conditioning
Blog: For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.
"You`ve been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I`m going to give you a special gift. I`m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I`LL shit on its head."
Posted by Markiss at 10:43 AM | Comments (0)
